Bitter

Date: Tue, 28 Feb 2006 02:44:56 -0800 (PST)
From: nyiw@email.com
Subject: bitter
To: huni@email.de

Hi hun,

The bitterness will end. Soon, I hope.
But for now, let me spit it out, okay.
Love you,

Tuesday, 28.02.2006

Just like the last previous days, today everything seems so wrong. Gamze is sick for a week, which left me with less pressure at work. I am having my PMS. Called Novi, and realized that I couldn’t really talk to her. Which one is better? A friend that talk and talk about things that you probably had enough with and you don’t want to listen to, or a friend that don’t say a word about those same things. Although you know well that she’s thinking of something, that she’s having that opinions and judgements in her head, but still thinks it’ better not to speak them out loud to your face?

Well, the second situation happened with me and her this morning. I started by saying: “I had dinner at Raymond’s place yesterday.” Or, “Oh, poor Antoni, he had to sleep in the kitchen.” And then continue with: “I’ll have lunch with Pipit today at Mensa.”

Oh! Does that all really matter?

When what really in my head are: “Did you see his posting in his blog?” “Do you think he hates me?” “Do you think I’m a terrible and mean person?” “How do you see me now?” “Does Fair hate me?” “Do both of you think I’m weird?”

But then again, do I really need to know the answers from those questions? Does it matter to me whether Fair hates me or not? Should I be bothered if both of you think I’m weird or not? Is it of any importance to me whether you see me as a terrible person or not?

Things had happened. And decisions have been taken. What are left are the consequences. And I should be prepared for everything. As long as I’m sure that I’m doing what I thought was right, then that’s it.

I tried to concentrate myself on my work. I couldn’t. I played 2 rounds of Hearts in the computer (I told you this). I bought coffee from the machine downstairs, to get more caffeine in my system. I don’t understand why, the coffee tastes really suck today. Drank few sips and threw the rest into the sink. Went to Sendil’s office, perhaps a small chat can boost my mood. Unfortunately, he’s not there. Ah, off course he’s not there. He’s busy with his work in the lab. Aren’t I supposed to be like him? Busy with my work???

Hun, I guess I will try to tell you what I’m feeling. Sad, relieved?? No… not quite right anymore…
I feel like… my world is moving fast around me, swirling, revolving… rapidly, abruptly…
And I’m pulled inside, confused, lost, and tired.
Nowhere to hold on to…