Bitter

Date: Tue, 28 Feb 2006 02:44:56 -0800 (PST)
From: nyiw@email.com
Subject: bitter
To: huni@email.de

Hi hun,

The bitterness will end. Soon, I hope.
But for now, let me spit it out, okay.
Love you,

Tuesday, 28.02.2006

Just like the last previous days, today everything seems so wrong. Gamze is sick for a week, which left me with less pressure at work. I am having my PMS. Called Novi, and realized that I couldn’t really talk to her. Which one is better? A friend that talk and talk about things that you probably had enough with and you don’t want to listen to, or a friend that don’t say a word about those same things. Although you know well that she’s thinking of something, that she’s having that opinions and judgements in her head, but still thinks it’ better not to speak them out loud to your face?

Well, the second situation happened with me and her this morning. I started by saying: “I had dinner at Raymond’s place yesterday.” Or, “Oh, poor Antoni, he had to sleep in the kitchen.” And then continue with: “I’ll have lunch with Pipit today at Mensa.”

Oh! Does that all really matter?

When what really in my head are: “Did you see his posting in his blog?” “Do you think he hates me?” “Do you think I’m a terrible and mean person?” “How do you see me now?” “Does Fair hate me?” “Do both of you think I’m weird?”

But then again, do I really need to know the answers from those questions? Does it matter to me whether Fair hates me or not? Should I be bothered if both of you think I’m weird or not? Is it of any importance to me whether you see me as a terrible person or not?

Things had happened. And decisions have been taken. What are left are the consequences. And I should be prepared for everything. As long as I’m sure that I’m doing what I thought was right, then that’s it.

I tried to concentrate myself on my work. I couldn’t. I played 2 rounds of Hearts in the computer (I told you this). I bought coffee from the machine downstairs, to get more caffeine in my system. I don’t understand why, the coffee tastes really suck today. Drank few sips and threw the rest into the sink. Went to Sendil’s office, perhaps a small chat can boost my mood. Unfortunately, he’s not there. Ah, off course he’s not there. He’s busy with his work in the lab. Aren’t I supposed to be like him? Busy with my work???

Hun, I guess I will try to tell you what I’m feeling. Sad, relieved?? No… not quite right anymore…
I feel like… my world is moving fast around me, swirling, revolving… rapidly, abruptly…
And I’m pulled inside, confused, lost, and tired.
Nowhere to hold on to…

Singing mode: The dream within

another nice song to sing... :)

Free
The dream within
The stars are crying a tear
A sigh
Escapes from heaven
And worlds end
Breathe
The dream within
The mystifying

We tremble and spin
Suspended within
Look beyond
Where hearts can see
Dream in peace
Trust the belief
We tremble and spin
Suspended within

Free
The dream within
The voice is calling a song
A prayer
From deep inside you
To guide you
Be
The dream within
The light is shining

A flight on the wind
Salvation begins

Look beyond
Where hearts can see
Dream in peace
Trust the belief

We tremble and spin
Suspended within

Free
The dream within
The stars are crying
A tear
A sigh
Escapes from heaven
And worlds end

The Dream Within - Lara Fabian

singing: Reflection

A truly nice song...

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart
and what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world what’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
There’s a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that i’m someone else for all time
When will my reflections show who I am inside?
When will my reflections show who I am inside?

Reflection - Christina Aguilera