One year of a new life!

Exactly one year ago... I arrived in this beautiful city...
Started a new life, faced all the consequences of my decisions.
It feels so fast, yet one year has gone since that memorable day.
Many things had happen. Who would have thought, the same girl who wept at the departure gate of Cengkareng International Airport because it was too difficult back then to say goodbye to her loved one, will now be standing here alone saying: 'I'm so sorry, the way I see things have changed, I have to be honest, I just can't be with you anymore, I need some time alone.

Did I grow up in the last one year? Have I improved myself? Did I become a better person?
Those are BIG QUESTIONS that only I can answer.

*semangat nyiw! cuma kamu yang bisa mengambil langkah! ayo, jangan males-malesan lagi ya!!*

Sifat buruk gue...!!! :D

Gue tu punya satu sifat buruk: Gue tu ngga suka kalo dibilangin ato diatur-atur ama orang!!
Yup! That's me! Dan hari ini sifat itu entah kenapa keluar banget.
Misalnya, satu sobat gue bilang: 'Berenti maen2an frndster! Ngapain kek, yang lain, yang lebih berguna!'
Wah, gue (sejujurnya) ga terima tu dibilangin begitu. 'Uh, gue tau kok apa yang harus gue lakuin, gue bisa atur sendiri apa yang harus gue lakuin dan kapan!' pikir gue...
Terus hari ini emang makan gue ngga bener. Siang makan roti plus yoghurt dan malem makan sayur bayem plus susu strawberry. Dan malemnya lagi, ngemil cemilan.
Pas gue tanya roomie gue yang cowo: 'ga suka cemilan ini ya, kok gue doang sih yang makanin?'
'gimana ya, bukannya ga suka, justru suka sih, cuma gue males ngemil'
trus roomie gue yang cewe nambahin: 'yang kayak gitu tuh yang bikin gendut...'
excuse meee.... look who's talking??? Sementara ngomong gitu dia sambil makan mie neoguri padahal ini udah jam 11 malem gitu loohhh....
besides... kayaknya ga usah komentar dan ga usah atur2 apa yang harus gue makan dan engga gue makan... !!!

-sensitive mode ON-
-marah-marah mode ON-

ck...ck...ck... bad attitude? :D

Buat sobat-sobatku kamu jangan tersinggung ya, I'm just being honest with my feeling. That's what blogs are for, aren't they?

Keluh kesah yang engga perlu dibaca

hari ini cuaca asli jelek banget! Ujan! Dingin! Dan gue bete seharian... beteeeeeee....!!!
Gue tahu gue being moody banget, but I just can't handle it!
Mulai dari bangun kesiangan, terus mencoba belajar tapi ga konsen malah asik maen maen internet. Ngapa-ngapain ngga napsu sama sekali. Dan gue mulai berasa sediihh... lost... lonely...

Gue ngga tahu harus gimana... I called Mom! Curhat, berkeluh kesah setengah jam. Setelah itu? Puas? Tidakkk!!

Gue aware, masalah-masalah gue itu sumbernya adalah : DIRI SENDIRI!!!
Gimana cara mengatasinya ya? I'm starting to go crazy now!

Ngeliat2in frndster-nya orang-orang. (Buat apaaaa coba? Ga ada kerjaan banget!) Baca-bacain testi-nya cewe buat cowo-nya, dan bacain testinya cowo buat cewe-nya... (Jujur!) jadi berasa ngiri... jadi pengen punya special someone. The last one, my one and only, for now until forever...
Trus trus... I'm starting to picture my perfect someone... Dia harus begini, dia harus begitu...

Gue kesel ama diri gue sendiri karena ngerasa kayak gini. Tapi gimana lagi....
Booohoooohooo.... pengen nangis rasanya... pengen pulang....

hari ini... hari ini gue berasa kesepian banget... I feel so lost...

and I'm tamed... just like The Fox in "The little Prince"...

Blogg...

Hari ini Jerry pulang, setelah sekitar 5 hari di Hamburg. Dan aku sediiihhh... entah kenapa kok jadi sedih...
Seneng...seneng banget dikunjungi keluarga... Apalagi kalau orangnya tu someone that you can talk to... I really had a great time... Ada yang bisa diajakin ngobrol hal-hal yang gila-gila ;)
Ada yang bisa ditanya-tanyain soal sex, soal kehidupan bebas, soal pacaran, soal party, soal apa aja... Ada yang nungguin pas pulang dari kampus... Jalan-jalan bareng... Tidur ada yang kelonin ;) hehehe...

Dan pagi ini, entah kenapa gue berasa sedih banget... I become attached to him. How I hate goodbyes... Dearest God, I wonder... kalo kita berasa deket ama seseorang, when we're tamed... (istilahnya Fox di The Little Prince)... kenapa kita jadi lemah, kita ngga jadi diri kita lagi...?? kenapa ya? Tiba-tiba gue jadi merasa lonely aja di sini. Padahal kan sebelumnya juga gue bisa survive menjalani hidup...
Dearest God, kalo boleh, hari ini aku minta dijadikan orang kuat, tangguh. Seandainya bisa, aku pengen jadi orang dengan semangat membara, jadi orang tough, yang ga gampang sedih dan terbawa perasaan.

Jerry... sepupu yang engga pernah ketemu. Yang bikin kita deket satu sama lain cuma waktu maen bareng mereka di Bandung 10 tahun yang lalu selama 2 bulanan... But it was very memorable...
Berempat ama kak Netta dan Pandu, maen dan ketawa-tawa tiap hari... Back then everything was so simple and easy... tanpa beban... Sekarang, hehe... semuanya beda ya...
Duhhh, looking forward to seeing you again, Jerry... my big brother!! I will not wait for another 9-10 years! Semoga gue bisa nengokin elo suatu saat nanti!

...he got a girlfriend there...

"HE GOT A GIRLFRIEND THERE..."
Jgerrr!!! And I was strucked by a thunder...
can't say a word... amazed... I read the sentence... once more... again... hoping foolishly that I might missed something there... hoping that this is not true...
Aaarrgghhh.... you know... there's one small thing inside my heart, called 'hope'... this 'hope' thing that I have is so small and fragile... and for all this time, I keep it in secret...
Just now, just a few seconds after I read the email.... my 'hope' flew and escape from my heart, stayed in front of my face...then it broke into pieces... small pieces...

I couldn't stand it... And I cried... No! He's not supposed to have a girlfriend!!! But then. who am I to think that way? I'm his NOBODY.... Aaaahhh.... the truth hurts! At the same time, this whole thing looks funny... Look at me... getting pissed off because of a bestfriend, who absolutely lives in a different world from me and who is really really not meant for me, has just found LOVE... I'm so pathetic... I'm supposed to feel happy for him, aren't I???

So I laughed at myself... and I cried... both at the same time...

And my roommates found out about it and got worried... And I felt so helpless... I told them...
And oh, thank God that I have them as my source of happiness... they tried to cheer me up...

'Emang dia sapa? Kamu sih kegeeran... tegar dong! Lagian dia kan bukan muslim... cari yang lain ah... cowok kan masih banyak!'

hehe... beda ya kalo dikasih advice ma cowok. singkat, tegas, jelas, dan tepat sasaran... But it definitely made me think...

Emang dia siapa? Aku kan udah bertekad, kalo aku sampe berhubungan lagi ama cowo, kali ini musti serius, buat masa depan, ga buat maen-maen... Buat apa ngarepin dia... jelas-jelas dia bukan buat aku... dan udah lama pula aku menyadari itu...

Hidup berjalan terus...

CHANCE...OR CHOICE?

dari email forward-an... mengena sekali...

When we meet the right person to love when we're at the right place at the right time. That's chance.
When you meet someone you're attracted to , that's not a choice. That's chance.
Being caught up in a moment (and there's a lot of couples who get together because of this) is not a choice. That's also a chance.

The difference is what happens afterward. When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back, you sit down and contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling. If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance. That's choice.

When you choose to be with a person, no matter what, that's choice.
Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice. Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice. A choice that we make. They say : "Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen." I do believe that soulmates do exist. That there is truly someone made for you. But it's still up to you to make the choice if you're going to do something about it or not. We may meet our soulmates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmate is still a choice we have to make.

We're friends...

Hi Blogg...
Last night finally I did it... Finally I could gather all my guts and courages, and talked to him. Finally, I ended everything... We're friends now...

Thank God, It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I think he was prepared for that situation. He was calm, and he accepted everything.
I thank You, God, now that my biggest problem has been taken care of. I will try to move forward now, to do my best in everything...

Malemnya aku masih nangis... (kadang sekarang juga masih suka nangis :) cengeng yah?) aku pikir itu wajar banget. padahal aku mustinya pelajari bahan paper yang dikasih Antoni (tentu aja ga masuk masuk lah belajarnya!) Aku sedih kalo inget, Indri Indriasari pernah ngomong ma echa, "kalo elo emang sayang banget ma ena, mustinya lo bakal kasih apa yang dia minta kan?" Apa karena itu dia kemaren jadi menerima banget?

semuanya sudah berakhir, I just lost my first love. kenapa semuanya masih sama, seolah tak menyadari kalau aku lagi sedih?

matahari malah bersinar terang hari ini, burung-burung tetap berkicau, angin dingin masih berhembus, dan aku pun berpura pura ceria dan tertawa seperti biasanya seolah-olah aku ini baik baik saja...
Norak ya kedengarannya, kayak lagu aja, tapi if you were in my situation, then you'll understand...

God, tolong bantu aku merasa bahagia, bahagia yang sebenarnya, bukan pura pura bahagia seperti yang sedang aku lakukan saat ini...

Fuji pernah bilang, "kalo lagi sedih, ya nikmatin aja. Namanya juga hidup, kadang kita dapet sedih, kadang ngerasa bahagia. Kalo pas lagi sedih, ya dinikmatin aja, nyadarin kalo itu tu normal, jangan dibawa terlalu berat, ntar stress lho..." :) thanks, roomie!

I keep on walking... eventhough I feel so tired and sad, and my steps felt so heavy... And I promise, I will never give up...
Do the right things, each day...